I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Ever notice how some tracking has too much information? *your package shipped, then was moved from one side of the truck to the other, dusted off in Indiana, delivered, you got it 3 days ago, it’s in your closet now*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?