I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?