Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.