I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read