I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.