@LoveNLunchmeat

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

@LoveNLunchmeat

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.