If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.