starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.