Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”