Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.