ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
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When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight