Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
There is no “we” in pizza
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.