*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Whisper out to librarians!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags