Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end