[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.