You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
😂😂
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off