“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
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One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My god she’s good.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.