The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I think about this a lot
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.