[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.