Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of LuvPug's best tweets

@LuvPug : Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They're working fine then

@LuvPug: If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I'm just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

@LuvPug: Distance doesn't matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

@LuvPug: Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other's lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

@LuvPug: If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still...

@LuvPug: One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

@LuvPug: My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader's Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I've never felt more complete

@LuvPug: Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don't try to take over the world.

@LuvPug: *puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

@LuvPug: *opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma'am, you can't have food in the library

Me: It's my emotional support snack