@LuvPug: Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other's lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

@LuvPug: If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still...

@LuvPug: One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

@LuvPug: My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader's Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I've never felt more complete

@LuvPug: Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don't try to take over the world.

@LuvPug: *puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

@LuvPug: *opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma'am, you can't have food in the library

Me: It's my emotional support snack

@LuvPug: I'm only a vegetarian so people won't invite me anywhere

@LuvPug: It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, 'Mom, wake up' and 'Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast'