I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete