[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.