Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.