I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined