1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I love you to the refrigerator and back
scared to check what name she chose
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone