You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
🚲+physics = winner
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET