My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
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My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”