[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.