My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
The smoothest fall of all time
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism