Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Every damn time
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I feel it
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*limbos under the caution tape
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.