NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do