Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I saw nothing
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.