4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”
4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”
FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?
[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?
MASSEUSE: just relax
ME: THIS IS ME RELAXED
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”
5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
ME: she didn’t go to camp
SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.
ME: This is a service beer.
The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.
ME: My husband has a cold do you have those euthanasia pills?
PHARMACIST: I think you mean echinacea pills haha