Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-