My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
this is the greatest thing ever
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
All excellent questions
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.