Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I am crying
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that