Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town