Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…
I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.
The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.