I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.