You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby