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give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.