Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again