[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
You Might Also Like
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
me before I type out affect or effect
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*