Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.