Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?