99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me