*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
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*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami