Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Bike for sale
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.