CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people