According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.