Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.