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@MarfSalvador : [Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
@MarfSalvador: [Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
@MarfSalvador: [Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?
@MarfSalvador: wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
@MarfSalvador: Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
@MarfSalvador: Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we're married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
@MarfSalvador: [Looking at the vast night sky]
Her: What do you think about other life forms?
Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit
@MarfSalvador: [Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I'm cold
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*