@MarfSalvador

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

@MarfSalvador

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

@MarfSalvador

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

@MarfSalvador

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

@MarfSalvador

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

@MarfSalvador

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

@MarfSalvador

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

@MarfSalvador

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@MarfSalvador

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then