Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[pilot announces crash landing]
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then