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Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : [Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

@MarfSalvador: [Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@MarfSalvador: [Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

@MarfSalvador: [Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?

@MarfSalvador: wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

@MarfSalvador: Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

@MarfSalvador: Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we're married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

@MarfSalvador: [Looking at the vast night sky]

Her: What do you think about other life forms?

Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit

@MarfSalvador: [Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I'm cold

@MarfSalvador: [Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*