I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*