[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
You Might Also Like
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
greetings!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Nothing.